Marathon Month

It is the eve of my surgery.  I am absolutely exhausted.  I have been talking to so many people for so many different things I feel I have gone in a complete circle.   I have been trying to tie a few loose ends and there are some I just won't get to.  Sorry. 

I can't believe this is happening to me.  It has been so surreal.   I have moments that just zip by and I have others that just stand still and I feel like I am moving in slow motion.  It's been almost three weeks since we discovered that I have a brain aneurysm.  I had a random eye infection from an allergic reaction to some Neosporin that turned into a raging infection.  I looked like I had been stung by a bee and my right eye was  swollen shut.  After a couple of days of this, I ended up visiting the Emergency Room.  The doctor was concerned that I could have fluid/infection building up behind my eye that could spread to my brain.  A CT of my orbits (eyes) was ordered.  The scan came back negative and they said my eye was ok, but that they found an abnormality.  The abnormality was an aneurysm.  They suggested I have a work-up and have another CT to confirm.  Long story short and two more tests and a doctors appt.  It was confirmed that I did in fact have and aneurysm. 

When the surgeon contacted me he said that I need d to have surgery as conveniently possible.  I needed to discuss things with my husband and get back with him.  It was decided ,that nearly three weeks later would be the date, Sept 17, which is my husbands birthday.  Bummer!

Since that time, I have had a range of emotions from relief, to anger, to submissiveness and not necessarily in that order.  At first I thought,  "is this a bad dream, is this really happening to me?"   Over these last couple of weeks I had thought long and hard about everything.   I honestly have never said,  "why me?"  I don't know why, but I have analyzed it in every other way.  I have come to the conclusion that its just one of those special opportunities for me to evaluate what is most important to me, and to give a self check of where I am at this time.  I have had anger that it's something I don't have control over, really.  It's going to make me dependent on others and I prefer to be independent.  Does being dependent make a person  weak?  At first glance I would say, yeah kinda, but looking again it gives a person an opportunity to appreciate the giving and receiving process.  It takes great strength and submission to allow oneself to be served.  Your perspective is skewed, not correct, if you haven't experienced both sides.  I am now submitting myself to what is before me because I have greater understanding through the humanity that I have experienced in these three short weeks.

In layman terms I am so grateful for this opportunity to get to know myself better, but I haven't been able to get to know myself better without the wonderful people around me that I love.  People have been so kind to me and my family.  I am amazed at the power that is in simple kindness.  A kind word, or words.  I have so many people say, "I have prayed for you,"  "can I help?" "love you."  I have had random phone calls, random acts of service, hugs, and flowers, and those that have just listened.  I believe prayers are answered through one another serving each other-angels.  I never questioned people cared, but given the opportunity to know of a need-people are there.   

I thought I was some what ok where I was in life.  I have all my children in school this year,so I was looking forward to having my own time.  I have felt in a hurry to get back to school and every time I think there is an opportunity something else comes up.  Well those 'something's' tell me it's not time yet.  I felt somewhat in limbo, maybe a little bored, frustrated that I haven't had my own time and with this experience I have realized that I have been blind at the reward of serving my family and seeing their progress--my husband is teaching at the local university and feels more engaged at the opportunity because he has felt stagnant.  My oldest daughter is a senior and is excited at her prospects she and I had the opportunity of working together for the summer and made great memories.  I have another daughter seeing some of her goals she has worked hard at materializing right before her eyes.  All those practices are paying off.  I have another child that just started junior high and she is maturing in her independence and  loves the change and the newness of being one of the older kids.  I have two in elementary school  that still make me feel that they need me.   They are my life.  Much has been required.  Things have abruptly changed and they all will be giving back just a little.  We have all traded places-I will need a lot of their help.    I think true happiness or success is to love and be loved.

My greatest strength through this whole experience is my faith.  Faith  in God, that He is there and is truly mindful of  me--individually.  He has suffered and I am suffering and through His atonement I can be whole again.   I have prayed more sincerely and have been comforted many times by His spirit.  I have leaned on my family and their faith when I needed reassurance.   I feel knowing who I am,  a daughter of God, has blessed me to see a greater picture, that life is eternal and that these experiences we have on earth are a refinement. 

Wish me luck!  How can I lose with the Lord on my side?

 Love, Tara